Portrait of the Only Child as Bad Penny by Caitlin Cowan
Portrait of the Only Child as Bad Penny
Caitlin CowanThe therapist listens to my autobiography and says
you are very resilient. Let me live up to that. The zodiacgives me a poisonous tail and a hole in the ground
to keep my soft insides soft—let me beas formidable, as balanced as all that. A bad tattoo
of a good idea: serpent destroying herselfback to life, let me satellite my head a little
to drink up one last punchline, a final squawk.In deep winter, let me be the squirrel scrambling
up the jack pine and the snow sparkling down as it tries.Give me a chance to come back again, weed that looks
like a flower that looks like a weed, insisting betweenthe brick pavers: I belong. Let me be the bad penny,
bronzed to oblivion, just north of worthless, tossedon a nightstand. God, rid me of this loneliness. Multiply
me. Give me as much of myself as you can.
MARGINALIA
1.
The therapist calls me resilient and I want to laugh. Resilient, like I had a choice. Like bouncing back was something I perfected instead of something that happened to me over and over until my bones learned to bend without breaking.
2.
Times I have insisted on belonging: raising my hand in classes where no one knew my name. Standing at the edge of conversations hoping someone would make space.
3.
I guess that’s the audacity of the lonely—to keep trying, to keep pushing up through concrete.
4.
I have tried to become many things at once: the funny one, the smart one, the one who remembers birthdays, the one who brings snacks. As if being indispensable could cure the particular ache of being singular.
5.
Dear god, rid me of this loneliness. But also let me keep what it’s taught me.
6.
Give me as much of myself as you can. A prayer I whisper when I catch my reflection.
KEEP READING
SHARED WITH GRATITUDE
This poem appeared in Small Orange, April 2021.
DESCRIPTION
“Small Orange is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) online poetry journal that publishes roughly 8-10 poets and the work of one visual artist per issue. Our publication schedule varies depending on time, resources, and the strength of submissions. We are committed to inclusion in the arts and we love all kinds of poetry. We are dedicated to featuring the most beautiful, inspiring and thoughtful work provided to us.” (Source)
ABOUT CAITLIN COWAN
Caitlin Cowan is a writer and educator living on Michigan’s west coast. Her first book, Happy Everything, was published in 2024 by Cornerstone Press and was an IPPY Awards silver medalist and a finalist for the Eric Hoffer Awards’ Medal Provocateur. Her second book, Solitary, won the 2024 Pamet River Prize and will be published by YesYes Books in 2027. Since 2020, she has written regularly about the intersection of poetry and pop culture at PopPoetry. (Source)
Read more poems by Caitlin Cowan • Find books by this poet on Amazon • Bookshop • Follow on Instagram • Twitter • Bluesky • Threads • Facebook • Website • Or view my library
ENDNOTES
- Explore other works in pursuit of: prayers • surviving • living • Or browse the index
- If this work resonates with you, please consider supporting the archive. Thank you for reading.
